Digesting...

I spent the day researching “transverse defects of the hand” on the internet – there is a lot of information out there and a lot of it I don’t really understand but I have a better understanding of the situation. The hands are made up of several bones. The metacarpals are in the palm of the hand and the phalanges are the three fingers of the fingers. It seems LD has the first joint and may have some bone in the first phalange but the learned and experienced professor could not see much else. From what I can tell there is little benefit from seeing the hand team prior to the birth of the child because they can not tell us anything regarding possible treatment until they can see what is actually there in terms of bones, tendons, ligaments. Then they either just let it be or try reconstructive surgery of some sort – the surgery’s first aim is to improve function and then to improve appearance for the sake of the child’s self esteem. The UCH hand team is affiliated with Great Ormond Street Hospital (GOSH), which is where we would go to ascertain what could be done after the baby’s birth.

I saw a doctor at my local GP surgery this in the afternoon. I took my notes and asked him to explain some of the results from the blood they had taken from me – the good news is I don’t have HIV, Hepatitis B (or was it C they tested for?) or Syphilis. I also talked to him about the baby’s hand – I almost cried again- he said that though the hand was unlikely to grow and be full (I realised this later as limbs and hands develop from the 3rd to the 16th week of gestation), the hospital were probably wanting to monitor the development of the hand. I suppose he is managing my expectations. All in all I was relatively happy when I left the surgery despite the fact that he didn’t really give me any good news he was at least compassionate in his delivery and actually asked me how I was holding up. He also asked how Doright had taken the news and if he was doing ok.

The baby is oblivious to all this and just keeps kicking and doing it’s thing. I am getting used to the kicks and trying not to get emotional when I feel one, having been informed of the babies defect. Still in a bit of shock but taken to looking up the accuracy of ultrasound (pretty accurate if done by someone as experienced as the grey haired one) in the hopes that it was wrong. Also looking up possible causes for the defect (not much joy).

Being reclusive…not sure how to cope – haven’t been to work all week and doubt I’ll go in, not mentally able to cope with all that. I wonder if I am being punished for something I did – or if this is because of my lifestyle. Doright tells me to stop worrying.